November 14, 2010

Day 12-What you believe

Since yesterday was such a depressing night for me, and last nights post was to make up for the night before when I didn't get home from work before 12, tonight I have to make two posts and I will probably due a third with an update on Max.

So, what do I believe in?

I believe that you should never regret something that once made you smile. This is one belief that has helped me in so many ways. Weather it be break ups, family problems, or just with life difficulties in general. I am willing to bet it is so true for most people that when they date a person and then break up, he or she goes through a period or periods of times where they can't believe they dated that person, for what ever reason. I have found that downing yourself like this can make the "recovery" be prolonged. When ever I feel this way about anything I ask myself or try to think of times to see if I smiled when ever this situation was happening, if the answer is "yes" then I don't regret it and I don't question myself, because if it made me happy of COURSE that is why I did it.

I remember when my Grandfather passed away. He had a major stroke and was taken to the ER via ambulance and was non-responsive. They put him on a life support while my family talked about weather they would keep him on life support or take him off. I saw they because I wasn't old enough to really have a say or to understand. The family decided that my Grandfather told everyone not to put him on life support, so they had the doctors take him off. The doctors said that he could pass away from a few minutes after being taken off or days.

My mom gave my sisters and I the option to either stay at the hospital for the night or we could go home and go to school, or just go home and skip school. I told her I wanted to go home and would decide on school in the morning. The next morning I did end up going to school and believe it or not there were times that I didn't think of my dying Grandfather and just had some fun, like in gym. Actually, in gym I was enjoying chucking balls at the preppy girls to hear them scream, so that brought me much happiness and smiles, I'm evil I know it!

So I got home after school and waited for my mom to pick me up to bring me to the hospital to say good-bye a final time to my Grandfather. I didn't say it the night before because I was too scared. So my Mom came home with flowers, but I didn't associate that with my Grandfather passing away. About 30 minutes later my Mom finally told me upfront that he had passed away and I was devastated. I felt so selfish for deciding to go to school and actually have FUN while the rest of my family was watching over my Grandfather. This guilt weighed on me for years, until I finally got some closure when my Aunt invited a median into her home.

I know not everyone believes in medians but I decided to give it ago, I had some questions and thought it would bring me some closure. My ultimate question was if my Grandfather thought of me as selfish for going to school and enjoying myself and the medium said no he didn't think that. I realize that most people would say this but it did bring me closure.

Later in the years I found this quote and it helped me over come that last bit of healing. I realized that on that day I was at school I smiled a bunch, so I couldn't regret doing it.

No, this isn't an easy thing to believe in, but in those desperate times it helps so much.

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